I know it has been a month since I last posted, and I'm sorry. My only excuses are: winter break from school, a trip to Mississippi, some sort of virus that kept me in bed for a few days, and the return to school and midterms. Not a good enough explanation, I know--I kept receiving text messages, phone calls, and Facebook posts asking why I haven't updated! So I'm sorry.
I honestly don't know what to post, though. I had some cute humor pieces planned out about kayaking across the Pacific Ocean, teenage Facebook romances, what NOT to do on Facebook, and why I love the state of Mississippi so much. However, those don't seem to be good meaningful starts to 2011, which is so far the biggest year of my life (graduation, anyone?). So forgive me if you get lost in this stream of consciousness. I don't know what this post will end up saying.
2010 was hard for me. I've been struggling with a lot things for a while now, but it's like this year has been the breaking point for so many things in my life. Until 2009, I was actively involved in a church and Christianity. I actively sought out a relationship with Christ and I dreamed of going on the mission field in Cambodia, Uganda, or Thailand. I have two international mission trips (Peru and Romania) and I've worked in a special needs camp, a mission camp, various soup kitchens, etc. I used to live to serve, all in the name of Christ. But now I'm having doubts, and I don't know what to do with these doubts. It's hard for me to believe everything that is written in the Bible. I hate the general hypocrisy of any religious person--not just Christians, even Jews, Muslims, and Buddhists are extremely hypocritical. And I just don't agree with everything in the religion I've been brought up with. I've tried praying about it, but it feels like my prayers are just hitting the ceiling. I haven't felt the presence of God in over a year. It makes me feel hopelessly lost because I have relied on God and the church all my life.
And I've learned about other relationships, too. I've known for a long time that family will let you down, but the past year just kept shouting that at me. Friends come and go like the wind. I got over the typical high school drama by the time I was fifteen, so it's not like I'm having fights and rumors or anything. People are just like the leaves in a tree. They're beautiful and provide a cool, comforting place for a while, but eventually they wither and just fall away from you. I'm not jaded; I'm not unwilling to ever love again. In fact, I'm dying to weed out the people in my life and see who will be my friends for the rest of my life. I want to meet new people to love. But in this crazy world where everyone moves around and everyone comes and goes, relationships break. There is nothing that can be done about it. It's human nature.
And success. How do you measure success? I made a 5 on my AP English exam. I made perfect scores on my state tests. I have a pretty good GPA. Overall, it has been a fairly good year for academics, but why do I feel like my plans for the future are so empty? I can't decide where I really want to go to college. Either way, I lose someone. If I go to my number one college (out-of-state, what I consider to be my home), I'm far away from my little brother and big sister, who honestly keep me alive. If I go to one of my other choices (in-state), I'm far away from the place I call home. And what in the world am I going to do with my life? But back to success. Sometimes it's really hard for me to study because I want to work on my novel, blog, or paint a picture. Is success about what you need to do, or what you need to love? It's true that I need to love academics, but they do not keep me alive. Writing and art keep me alive. I need to love them so I can survive. So am I successful for chasing those dreams or for putting the laptop away to study? And will writing or school make me successful? I know that if I study and work hard and try my best then I will manage to get a job in a few years. But what if it's a job I hate? What if I don't find time to write this novel? Then I'm not successful, in my eyes. So to sum all of that up: What is success?
On the more positive side of things...
I've learned about the world. In the past year, my political views have definitely broadened--I'm no longer tied down to one side of the spectrum. I have made it a point to observe the social circles and cultures around me. I'm trying to love every person I know, but of course that is so hard. I've considered stereotypes and gender roles and how they affect my country. I'm constantly trying to enlighten myself.
And I do actually know what I'm going to do with my life. I just don't know how I'm going to get there. No matter what college, major, degree, job I choose, I know I'll be married and I'll have children. The ideas of marriage and pregnancy used to make me break out into hives--especially the word housewife! But now, at seventeen years old, I'm already yearning to have that job in my life. I'm not saying I'm going to skip college and just start having kids. That is not a Sarah plan at all. I want a degree, I want a successful career, I want to be a power woman. But I also want the power in a household that I can keep in order. I'm already dreaming of four kids. For those of you who actually know me, you can see what a turn-around this is in my life. This year, I've decided that I think there is something beautiful about a woman who takes care of her husband and her children. But don't get your hopes up--I'm not going to be this. That still makes me break out into hives. So I guess I'm not going to be June Cleaver, but I'm not going to be Edna Pontellier, either.
But after all of that complaining and random musing, I must confess to the most important lesson I've learned this year: I've learned to let go. I no longer take responsibility for familial problems, disappointments, and things that are out of my control. I've been told I've grown apathetic to a fault, but it has been the best thing for me. Yes, I just blah blah blah'ed all about that, and all of that is pressing on my heart, but it's not sucking the life out of me. My family no longer drains me. The stress of school does not conquer me. I've even let go of the biggest tragedy of my life--the loss of my older brother. I have a million things bouncing in my mind, but finally at last, I'm free. I control my life. I control my emotions. I rely on no one but myself.
Well, I rely on myself...and this...and this...and this. As they say in that horrible Beatles musical Across the Universe, "Music is the only thing that makes sense anymore, man."
Am I finished rambling yet? I think so. I have no idea what I just typed, to be honest, but I think I'll post any way. I'm trying to tone down my spontaneity this year, so maybe I should just delete it, but I'm also trying to go down a dress size. Both resolutions will probably be ignored.
Oh, and to receive a reply from Sarah Palin. So far she's been mute.
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