A Love Letter

Dear High School,

Since we are in the fourth year of our relationship, I feel that I should write you a love letter and let you know how much I appreciate everything you have taught me.  This has truly been an enlightening experience, and every year just adds a new layer to the vast knowledge I have culminated in roughly 125 weeks.  How do I love thee?  Let me count the ways...

English taught me that essays should convey lots of emotion and conviction; and that Atticus Finch, Snowball, and Juliet Capulet would change my life. Never climb a tree with your jealous friend, because it didn't work out too well for Finny.  Antigone, Anne Moody, and Adolf Hitler were also the professors of various moral lessons I learned. Biology enlightened me on the fact that the periodic table is not really necessary to understand the world around you. I was also taught personal health and anatomy and physiology.  I even dissected a mink. In Algebra, I learned that there really is a method to the madness of alphabet soup in an equation. In Geometry, I learned what a rhombus is and was educated in how to defend my postulates and theorems. Mississippi Studies and Geography enlightened me on the wonders of soil and the lies of "global warming."  In Spanish, I was educated on other cultures and even learned how to get by in Peru, which I exercised the summer after my sophomore year. When it came to art, I was taught that creativity should have no limits. I mastered the art of driving. I learned to respect the Medici and was able to list every single belief in Gandhi's personal religion.  Since I went to high school in 2008--the eve of a great change--I even debated the policies of John McCain and Barack Obama, and celebrated the fact that finally, my great nation was able to elect a minority to the highest office in the world.  I made friends with the wonderful Jay Gatsby, Huckleberry Finn, and Tea Cake--and I made a coveted "8" on my expository essay.  I explored the physics of a falling balloon and even learned the recipe for silly putty. I became a master of linear programming and invisible numbers.  US History also educated me on the dark history of America and how far our country has come since our founding.  I also took a physical education class, and as a result can send a birdie over a badminton net.

But I learned lessons from the outside world and from other students that, somehow, overshadowed all of those wonderful education opportunities.

For example, I learned that SparkNotes are far more interesting and shorter than the actual books.  I realized that you don't actually have to do your homework if your teacher only checks it for completion--for Spanish, just write the entire Taco Bell menu, and for math, just write random numbers and X's in an orderly fashion.  I found that it is ridiculously easy to throw a project together the period before it is due.  It's useful to have the same handwriting as your friends.  If you have a creeper male teacher, the "dumb blonde" act scores you an A.  I learned that you should become best friends with the person sitting next to you, but only if that person is smarter or more studious than you, because you don't want assistance from just anyone.  And though this is an overused Facebook cliche, the word "finals" really actually does mean "F*ck I Never Actually Learned (this) Sh*t."

And now, as I'm in the throes of my senior year, how am I using all of this knowledge?  Well, my dear, these three years of high school, you have really helped me.

Suddenly, you are supposed to have NO emotion in your essays.  I don't even remember the main characters in the books I just alluded to--once again, SparkNotes helped me with those few characters I listed there. Yet I'm still expected to be able to crank out a "9" essay on them in 40 minutes with a pencil? The periodic table actually IS important and will kick your angle-side-side if you don't know how to use it.  I've never used a rhombus but suddenly math has a limit--and it doesn't exist?!?  Silly putty is completely useless but apparently it's important to know how many moles are in a chemical I've never even heard of?  The benefits of invisible numbers are, well, invisible.  And as for the rocky road that America has been traveling, according to AP Microeconomics and AP Government, we haven't even made it to the dreaded fork in the road.  Even though I learned about herpes and cancer, I was never taught that seniorits is actually a life-threatening disease that no one will take the motivation to cure. And the only letter that is actually useful in math is K--as in, "Our university will cost you $15K a semester."

Obviously, high school, you are not working hard enough to outscream the promises of SparkNotes and the Taco Bell menu, because my slacker "let's just scrape by" methods have left me desperate and disappointed in the most important year of my high school career.  But I still love you...because...well...oh, never mind.

Thanks a lot,
Your latest senioritis patient

P.S. As for the social studies lessons you have taught me...it's November and I'm wearing shorts, so global warming is taking place somewhere.  And as for our great minority president?  He's handing out my college money to illegal immigrants.  Suck on that, you extreme conservatives and extreme liberals.  Seriously, high school, can't you hire some moderates?

P.P.S. You're probably wondering: where does this leave our relationship?  Well...we're done in 2011.